Possibly the only profession with a lower approval rating than Congress is advertising. And no wonder. On a daily basis, we are assaulted by hyped-up messages that are dim-witted, abusive, hurtful, discourteous, annoying, and blatantly offensive. And then there are the really bad ones.

Some people get quite excited by the yearly media event called the Stupor Bowl. Wait, that’s not right. Super Bowl. And there are people who say the event attracts a few viewers because of the commercials. That’s true in the same way a car accident attracts a few viewers because of the traffic jams.

My goal in this article was to pay attention as soon as one of the encrusted-by-make-up announcers said “Hello Suckers.” Wait, no, that’s Texas Guinan’s line; I meant as soon as they said “Welcome to Super Bowl Sunday.”

Then, I was going to keep watching until the post-game clips of cretins burning cars in the streets of the winning and losing cities. But I just couldn’t do it. Sorry, apologies, mea culpa, etc. Look, other than a superb Chrysler commercial that was uplifting for the company and for America, there were just too many horrible ad moments for one human being to handle. Therefore, here are the heights of the depths. . .

Audi

Consider this concept: The headlights of the Audi are so similar to the sun that they kill vampires. Seriously? Wow. Well, considering how dim-witted Americans seem to be (have you been watching the presidential debates lately?), maybe this idea will work. Because, after all, who wouldn’t select a luxury automobile based on the strength of its headlamps? The song on the commercial’s soundtrack is “The Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen. Within the idiotic premise of the spot, the track is a pretty good choice. Since I see this as a comedic spot, I would have found “Flashlight” by Parliament more fun, but I admit that the cool angst of E&TB fits well with the fake-teeth-and-incense ambience.

Budweiser

About eleventeen spots in the broadcast. Did any of them give you a reason to purchase their products? Not really. The most interesting marketing development involves their “new” brew, something called Bud Light Platinum, which has six percent alcohol (didn’t see this mentioned in any of the spots), meaning they’re going after the Beer Blotto Brigade (obviously a dumb demographic considering that distilled spirits will get you there much faster without forcing you to urinate as often). But back to the POWer beer with the odd name. Using the word “platinum” in the beer category fits a trend discussed by Tiffany Hsu in an excellent Los Angeles Times article on people leaning toward specialty or micro-brews. What Anheiser-Busch InBev doesn’t seem to realize is that “Budweiser” is never, ever, ever going to fit in with words like platinum, high-end, upscale, specialty, etc. They’ll have to fake-out the public with a phony micro-brew name like “Blue Moon.” Oh wait, that’s the spurious concoction of MillerCoors. And I seem to have really gotten away from the topic of Budweiser. Probably because I’ve been sipping too much Absinthe to get through this assignment. Anyway, they also had an incredibly well produced/directed spot that appeared to tell the history of America through beer. I think. Anyway, it had those ugly horses that Bud always uses. Disagreeable-looking animals named Clyde something. Hmm, where’s the Absinthe? Must. Distract. Self.

Cadillac

Respect. Seriously, let’s give it up for ad guys who figured out how to improve the image of a car company long known for selling clunky boats-on-wheels. I have lived my whole life knowing that there’s nothing attractive about Cadillacs but this spot actually makes the ATS Sport Sedan look decent. And let’s face it, “sport” is not a word you’d normally associate with Caddy. The strong music track helps.

Carsdotcom

Eeeuuuwwwwwww! This is the commercial where an alien growth sprouts from a guy’s shoulder blade and on the end of the spronging protuberance is a smaller version of the man’s head. As if that isn’t gross enough, the miniature noggin performs a piss-poor parody of what the commercial makers call “soul music.” This piece of drivel is a top contender for the Gross-Out Trophy, which should be shaped to look just like the quivering superfluous neck-and-cranium. Rarely has the term “head” had such an evil connotation.

Chevrolet

Silverado pick-up trucks and their owners are the only survivors of the end-of-the-world. It’s unclear how this storyline ties-in with a not-too-highly-regarded truck, but at least the script is humorous and demographically on-target (every truck owner thinks his vehicle is tough enough to withstand the apocalypse). And using Barry Manilow on the soundtrack is a hoot. In their Sonic spot, the car is turned into a prop for some extreme sports publicity stunts. OK Go music works okay. For the whole campaign, ya gotta admit that Tim Allen gives good voiceover. He adds a touch of quiet, assured dignity (which probably dissipates the moment you realize “Hey, that’s Tim Allen talking!”)

Chrysler

Amazing spot that makes you want to shout to the heavens and salute the flag. This is two minutes of understated but ultimately explosive power. Uplifting, inspirational, and patriotic, the narrative grabs you and makes you think how you can join in the new march into the future of our nation. The commercial also touches on the good side of capitalism, something that we have not been seeing much lately. Wonderful work.

Coca-Cola

In Part One: The Blandness, badly-animated polar bears watch the game. In Part Two: The Pointless, they juggle bottles of Coke. In Part Three: The Lameness, they make reference to the score of the game. The spots are worthless except as bathroom breaks. The only winners here are the hacks who got paid to work on these pieces of tripe. I’m not much of a soft-drink user but this would sure make me consider Pepsi.

Doritos

Not sure which one of the consumer-generated ideas was the winner but I enjoyed the one featuring a snotty kid taunting a wheelchair-bound woman and a little kid in a sling. It’s silly, but funny. And since it plays on the intense desire of fat Americans for salty snacks, it actually has marketing logic, something that appears to be missing from most other advertising these days. Nice choice of music (an instrumental version of “La donna e mobile” from Verdi’s “Rigoletto”). There also was one with a dog killing a cat and bribing the witness with a bag of chips. And another with a girl covering herself with chips to entice her boyfriend to, well, we don’t get to see but I can tell you from experience that it’s really messy and not much fun after the first couple of bites.

General Electric

In one spot, slack-jawed yokels are working on assembly-lines. What’s odd is that the idea of people working in a noisy warehouse is presented as something miraculous, as if Henry Ford had risen from the grave to re-invent his idea just for the suits at G-E to go out and use it for the benefit of all mankind. Soundtrack is hilarious: a kind of “Deliverance” instrumental that should send people screaming into the night. In a second spot, slightly-less slack-jawed yokels are building turbine engines. Terrific cinematography and a nice soundtrack, but halfway through, the script does a freak-out and we’re suddenly in a bar where G-E workers are taking credit for beer because their turbine engines were used in the brewing process. Which may be true, I suppose, but this is a very big “So What” moment.

Honda

In the Stupid Sweepstakes, we have several front-runners, including Honda with a CR-V spot starring a bored and out-of-it Matthew Broderick. He’s clearly only collecting a paycheck, but what’s the production company’s excuse? Their work is a limp, by-the-numbers “homage” to John Hughes’ “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Perfunctory images, slack timing, bad jokes, insulting script. For the soundtrack, they went with Yello’s “Oh Yeah.” Yup, the boring choice. Just think, they could have used “Love Missile F1-11″ (Sigue Sigue Sputnik), “Bad” (Big Audio Dynamite), “Taking the Day Off” (General Public), “Radio People” (Zapp), and, of course, “Twist and Shout” (that group Paul McCartney was in before Wings). The fact that the auto isn’t shown much in the commercial may tell us more about the product than they intended.

Hyundai

Among their half-ton of ads was one with some hysterically funny Roadrunner cartoon-style mayhem involving a cheetah and the Veloster. “Trust us, it’s fast,” says Jeff Bridges. Only an extended version of the spot would give enough time to view the vehicle properly, but what there was of it looked good. Maybe the slight glimpse is okay considering that this is part of what seems to be a nine thousand commercial campaign for the vehicle (and considering it’s called a Veloster, a huge campaign is a necessity). Unfortunately, another of their spots has their employees singing and it is embarrassing. Another, for the Genesis Coupe R-Spec, is as puerile as the car’s name.

Kia

Wow! Rock music, beautiful babe, explosions, martial arts, romance novel cover designs brought to life, and more! On the soundtrack are The Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman” and a Motley Crue song. The production is amazing! Oh, and all this for some little plastic-looking dork car. Rule of thumb: the bigger the production, the less valuable the automobile.

Pepsi

In a medieval setting, Melanie Amaro and Elton John made me grin. And at the end of the spot, when Elton is in the dungeon with Flavor Flav, I cracked up. Thanks, guys, I needed that. (Even more amazing, I actually chuckled at the other spot they made, too. That’s the one with, gulp, Regis. Just goes to show ya, great timing in directing and editing can bring off miracles.)

Samsung

Sure, we’d all like nothing better than to have some company kick Apple’s butt now that it’s known what a greedy evil cabal they are, but unfortunately the silly marketing for Samsung isn’t going to help the situation. While it’s fun to hear Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” on the soundtrack, you still have to wonder why the spot shows us nothing but a line of boring people. Although there is a half-hearted attempt at a teaser at the end, the sum total of the ad is “enh.” All I can do is grudgingly admire the con job the agency pulled on the client in getting them to fund this piece of compost. Ironically, it’s well-photographed and directed, but like so much of today’s advertising, the lack of a marketing concept means the filmmakers are putting a spit-shine on a turd. But wait, that was the “preview” spot. The “real” spot for the new Galaxy is the exact opposite in approach: big, ugly, bombastic, silly, and boneheaded. C’mon, Samsung, stop making crap commercials. Don’t you know we’re rooting for you?

Suzuki

When you think “4-wheel drive,” you just naturally think of rap music, right? If so, the use of 50 Cent on the new spot for the Kizashi makes perfect sense. Either way, this is a nicely-made product demo. Basically, we’re out in the barren wasteland (See the ice! See the snow! See the nothingness!) and the Fizzozshee or whatever has no trouble roaring around as if it’s on a test track, which it probably was before the CGI crews got hold of the footage. The entertainment aspect is actually kind of neat: a sled dog team is being given a ride by their owner. A word on that: the owner is an obese Eskimo (or perhaps it was a Sumo wrestler? it’s hard for us ‘Murikuns to know). Whatever, it was cliche casting.

Toyota

Their spot for the “reinvented” Camry was, um, calm. However, I’m not believing anything they say about the car ’cause THEY ARE NOT SHOWING ME THE CAR. Still, the spot was entertaining. Drapes made of pizza, rain that makes you slim, a baby that doesn’t poop; all good. (And props for using “poop” in the script.) But poor Richard Strauss, having the opening to his “Also Sprach Zarathustra” used for the umpteenth time in a commercial. Just shows how terrific a music supervisor Stanley Kubrick was for putting this track into his “2001: A Space Odyssey” way back in 1968. Another spot, with memories that people associate with the Camry, was a tear-jerker. Effective as a story, silly as an ad for a car THEY DON’T SHOW.

Volkswagen

Spot #1: Dogs. Dogs barking. Dogs barking forever. Dogs barking forever in the vain hope that eventually it will seem clever. “I mean, you can’t lose with cute animals in your commercial, right?” Certainly, someone at the ad agency and/or the car maker’s marketing department made that statement. Unfortunately, they were wrong. The take-away message from this spot is: VW makes poor decisions. Which makes you wonder if they made that kind of poor decision in the auto designs, manufacturing practices, safety features, etc. Just asking. Glad you guys made me consider this, come to think of it. Who owns VW now, anyway, Monsanto? Spot #2: A fat dog gets into shape as we hear James Brown getting down on “Get Up Offa That Thing.” Fun! Plus, it’s two commercials in one as the twist ending puts us in the dive bar of “Star Wars.” How can one agency make such a nifty spot as this and that other one which is such a, well, dog?

Short Takes

1and1dotcom Product demo ad for a site that provides web hosting, site design, etc. A competitor to GoDaddy. Obviously not as eye-catching as babes but more convincing and more business-like.

Act of Valor Movie trailer for a 100-minute commercial for a video game.

Acura Jerry Seinfeld, in the lead role, has great comedy timing. Jay Leno, in a cameo, does not. Entertaining despite Leno. Didn’t show the NSX much, which is a shame ’cause it looks terrific.

The Avengers Movie trailer for a 100-minute commercial for a video game.

Battleship Movie trailer for a 100-minute commercial for a video game.

BMW Seems to tout the car’s ability to deliver text and e-mail while you drive. I prefer it if people concentrated on their driving. “The Ultimate Texting Machine?” Come on, people.

Bridgestone Their spots make me think buying their tires would lead to death or dismemberment on the highway.

BelVita Some sort of parody spot for an obviously fake “breakfast cheese” item. Funny idea, poorly executed. Besides, who would be stupid enough and gastronomically-challenged enough to buy hogslop like this? Oh, wait. Americans.

CareerBuilders This is the campaign with monkeys screwing up in the workplace. Yes, coworkers are jerks and assholes, but why will it be different when you change jobs? That’s why I freelance, where the only jerk around my office is me.

Century 21 What’s that? You say you don’t know how to market a service industry? No problem! Just use a dumb-ass concept and hire some second-tier celebs! Easy!

Dannon Overly cutesy boy/girl tease leads to violence. It’s for something called Oikos Greek yogurt. One of the two saccharine actors is a rapper named Stay Moes. (Okay, it’s John Stamos.)

The Dictator Movie trailer for the next film from Sasha Baron Cohen and Larry Charles. They seem to be the only people who can make social commentary hysterically funny.

Downy Mean Joe Green and Amy Sedaris “spoof” a great ad from yesteryear. This virtually defines inanity. (Ad agency guy: “Hey, since we don’t have a marketing platform, let’s just do a comedy spot without any comedy! It’ll be ironic!”)

E*Trade Talking baby campaign. You either like it or you don’t. I find it amusing, but it makes me stay far away from E*Trade. Not sure how it plays with the hoi polloi.

Fiat Car as sex object. Hate to admit it, but the ad actually works.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation Movie trailer with Bruce Willis and The Rock in a 100-minute commercial for a video game. If this is the sort of thing you like, then you will like this sort of thing.

GoDaddydotcom Good old-fashioned “sex sells” approach. No subtlety whatsoever. Babes (Danica Patrick and the Pussycat Dolls) in tight costumes. Gotta love it, right?

H&M Homo-eroticism using David Beckham’s tattoo-defiled body. If the cinematographer of this spot was hired by GoDaddy, we’d be on to something! Interesting oldie for the music: “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” by The Animals. H&M consistently uses great music.

Hulu Nicely-produced but insignificant spot starring Will somebody-or-other who totally believes he’s funny. Which is kind of funny, I guess.

The Hunger Games Exciting movie trailer for a film that shows what the world will be like if republicans are elected.

Infinity Uninspiring. Check out the Chrysler spot to see how it should be done.

John Carter Movie trailer for a 100-minute commercial for a video game.

Lexus Great art direction but not much auto in the ad. They’re calling the car the “2013″ GS model. More proof that auto marketers think we’re morons.

The Lorax Movie trailer for a kiddie cartoon. And yes, it will probably be a video game.

M&Ms I never know what to say about this campaign. Sure, it’s aimed at six-year-olds, but that’s how old we feel when thinking about M&Ms, so maybe they’re brilliant at marketing.

MetLife Cartoon characters (lots from Loony Toons) are milling around, doin’ stuff, and, um, I don’t know why.

Sketchers I like the Sketchers shoes I own. This spot (bulldog outraces greyhounds because of his running shoes) didn’t make me too embarrassed to admit that. So, okay then.

Star Wars Episode One The Phantom Menace Now Re-Released in 3D to Get More of Your Money Title tells all.

Swamp People Trailer for TV show on the History channel. Settle back and feel yourself losing I.Q. points every single second you watch. Ahhh, ignorance is bliss. (Or, as these people would put it: “Shoot, ig’nance is, uh, sumthin; I reckon.”)

TaxAct A kid has to pee. And this helps sell a tax preparation service how?

Teleflora Adriana Lima, stockings, pumps, little black dress, come-hither make-up. Tagline: Happy Valentine’s Night. I’m sold. Wonder what women think of the spot? Aw forget that; no I don’t.

The Voice Celebs battle each other before everybody meets in Betty White’s hotel room for some sexy talk. Sure, it’s injudicious, but it’s funny.

Video: Teleflora with Adriana Lima:

 
Article is Copr. © 2012 by John Scott G (“the G-Man”), and originally published on AdvertisingIndustryNewswire.com – all commercial rights reserved.

There are other grounds for everyone to hate us. Hell, after seeing most of these ads, I hate us. What is more to the point, I am ashamed to admit that I have anything to do with the advertising profession. Other than making money from it, of course.

Okay, on to the ads.

Rogaine Hair Growth Scam Foam
The procession of hype got off to a tacky start with a cheesy bit of sleaze. This spot made everyone in the room say “eeauw.”

Callaway Golf Clubs
Nifty production with nice graphics and lots of fast cuts. The whole thing screams “high tech” but there’s no way to tell what the hell is going on. Why is the golf club good? Why should anyone care? Around here, we believe everyone who plays golf should be quickly killed (except for those who feel their death should be as slow as possible) so it’s difficult to give this ad the benefit of the doubt.

Hyundai Sonata
The Korean carmaker bought a whole fleet of commercials, all featuring cool and assured voiceover work from Jeff Bridges. The first spot offered some nice sheet metal shots. No big deal, but the car looked great. Another ad showed part of the automaker’s painting process. It made the Sonata look like it had about three inches of coating and convinced me to go see the car up close. In a wonderful change-up, one of their spots showed Brett Favre’s acceptance speech for the 2020 MVP award. As we were chuckling, Mr. Bridges gently reminded us that we cannot know about ten years in the future except for the fact that Hyundai’s 10-year warranty will still be in effect. Wonderful.

Bud Light, Budweiser, Michelob
Also purchasing a passel of promo announcements was Anheuser-Busch, the beer-making giant (nearly 50% of the U.S. market with 100 different brands). One of their Bud Light spots featured a house constructed out of the product, which probably made some folks laugh, in the same way that some people still laugh at SNL sketches. Another spot was a parody of “Lost,” which might be entertaining for those who watch “Lost.” One commercial was pretty cool, with party-goers’ voices filtered through an Antares Auto-Tune. A Michelob Light ad showcased Lance Armstrong and, well, I don’t know what the hell was going on in the ad (or I just was so unimpressed that I can’t recall any of it). One Budweiser spot seemed to suggest cross-species dating between a horse and bull; not certain what this has to do with beer. Another spot for Budweiser had people forming a human bridge to allow a Bud delivery truck to cross a stream. Why? How? Can you say “listen to the sound of crickets” while we wait for the nervous laughter? I mean, seriously, guys, WTF? People, why do you purchase products made by firms that hold you in such contempt? (And BTW, what’s with using Elmer Bernstein’s score for “Stripes” on the spot? It’s brilliant music, but for the licensing fee you could have hired an up-and-coming composer to create something new.)

Snickers
The idea of Betty White and Abe Vigoda playing on tackle football teams in the park is humorous. The idea. But not the script, direction, editing, or acting. Snickers left a bad taste in one’s mouth.

Pam and Tim Tebow
Here’s the controversial spot for anti-family-planning that rightwingnuts at CBS approved for some reason. Best line from the party when this spot finished: “If only Pam had been aborted we wouldn’t have to endure this.” (Image from spot, shown at left.)

Boost Mobile
Wow, talk about stupid ads. If ever there was a way to tell people you are an antiquated, out-of-date, know-nothing firm, it would be to use a nursery rhyme rap with irrelevant spokespeople like half-dead ex-Chicago Bears football players.

Robin Hood
Hey, look, they’re re-releasing the Kevin Costner movie! No? Oh, that must mean the Mel Brooks “Men in Tights” spoof is coming back with a portentous soundtrack. No? Well, it couldn’t be that Ridley Scott has now descended even lower than when he made a “Silence of the Lambs” sequel and is now doing a . . . dare I say it? . . . remake! How the mighty have fallen.

Doritos
Several spots, all snarky, but some got laughs, such as the one where a little kid slaps a would-be suitor to his mom. Others, such as a guy eating while inside a coffin, had the effect of equating Doritos with the urge to vomit.

GoDaddy.com
I like cheesecake, pretty girls, and double entendres as much as the next guy, but most of the GoDaddy.com spots are just so-so. They work at getting your attention, but they tell you little about the company. However, I use GoDaddy.com for my web site hosting and since they provide superb customer service every time I call with a question, I am going to give them a pass. (Now, if they could only get THAT point across in one of their commercials.)

Bridgestone Tires
These folks are a puzzle to me. They have a product that interests me and almost every guy who drives a car or truck. They spend a ton of money producing their commercials. Yet they never show their tires or demonstrate any product benefit. What’s up with that? A speeding truck skids and spins to a halt. A speeding car safely stops on a slick highway. Yeah, so? Unless you tell me why a Bridgestone tire does this more efficiently, effectively, more safely, or for less money, I’m going to buy Goodyear or Michelin or Continental or Pirelli or anybody that tells me something about tread, traction, handling, etc.

Cars.com
Ultra-successful guy’s life is shown but it turns out he’s nervous about buying a car. So Cars.com is his choice to resolve that problem. It made me smile and it showed how their service might help me in the future. Of course, since it doesn’t feature people acting stupidly, it won’t win any audience polls. But it will HELP SELL THE PRODUCT, which some people in this industry seem to have overlooked.

Careerbuilder.com
We are as grossed out as the spot’s narrator as he tries to avoid looking too closely at the work force showing up in underwear for “casual day.” So I’d try to find another job, too. But how does this demonstrate that Careerbuilder.com is the place for the job search? Hey, maybe he landed this bad job through that site.

Dockers
Immediately following the underwear brigade was the “I wear no pants” patrol. It’s like when you open the newspaper movie section and see ads for “Legion” and “Tooth Fairy” and they both feature a guy with large white wings.

Dove for Men
YGTBFKM. This abomination appears designed to drive men away from the products. Perhaps the idea is to convince women they should buy this crap for their husbands and boyfriends.

Dodge
Oh wait, now YGTBFKM. Really, this must be seen to be believed. The message of the commercial is: whipped guys drive Dodge.

Acura ZDX
Great music track and nice shots of the vehicle. Okay, it’s not award-winning and won’t score high in the polls. But it will make me check out the car. Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought that was the point of doing a commercial.

Living Spaces and Carl’s Jr.
Ahh, local dreck bringing everything down a notch with their cheapo craptacular approach to advertising.

Carmax
Wait, here’s a national spot that is confusing and stupid. Something about animals watching auto sales on television? The marketing team was combining Jim Beam with lysergic acid diethylamide.

Monster.com
Okay, there’s this violin-playing beaver. It’s funny already, right? Yeah, so, he plays for tips in the street and then uses Monster.com to move up in the world, until he plays Carnegie Hall and ends up cavorting in a hot tub with a predatory blonde.

Wrap Up:
There were several million more commercials in the broadcast, but they made me so sick to my stomach that I stopped watching. Anyone who endures that much crap is a moron or owns stock in one of the advertising firms. Ain’t that America.

Crispin may be coasting on past glory in their creative department, but boy-oh-boy do they have some killer salespeople! Imagine the guts it took to visit Microsoft after the embarrassment of those idiotic Seinfeld spots and say “We have a new way to spend more of your money! No, wait, two new ways!”

First up was the “I’m a PC” campaign, which tried to be smart and ended up looking smarmy and more than a little stupid, especially when it was revealed that the ads were created using Mac computers. The current version of the campaign (the “campaign extension,” as corporate-speak would have it) shows kids aged four to eight proudly playing with photographs on their computers. The take-away for businesspeople will be “Microsoft is so simple, a caveman can use it.” No, wait, that’s a different campaign. But certainly all dumb people will feel comforted knowing that Microsoft products are within their grasp.

As lame as that concept was, the Crispin account team sold it. And then they went one step further and sold another gem: a campaign that proves Microsoft products are the very definition of cut-rate.

Here’s the set-up: real people are given a thousand bucks to go buy a computer; they’re also told they can keep any money left over after the purchase. In the debut ad, an attractive redhead buys an out-of-date laptop PC and is delighted she still has a couple hundred bucks remaining. There’s been no follow-up to see if the actress is pleased to be associated with the words “dumb” and “cheap.”

I use the word “actress” because the commercial is a fake. It’s not a reality spot when you hire a member of the Screen Actors Guild and stage the “shopping” scenes. The actress is Lauren DeLong, who has appeared in “99 Pieces,” “Hatched,” and “Ladybugs.” She has also appeared under the name Lauren Penner when she played Head Nurse in “This Hollow Sacrament” and under the name Lauren Kuhn when she played Jacuzzi Girl in “7eventy 5ive.”

The funny thing is that she’s by far the best thing about the commercial. If the spot had been real, people might have liked to learn more about her and how she enjoyed her HP Laptop. But because everything was contrived, when a reporter contacted her she replied that she had signed a confidentiality agreement and would have to see if she was allowed to speak to the press.

Marketing for Morons
At what point, exactly, did the advertising industry lose control of the situation and go stark, raving bonkers? It seems that anything goes nowadays. People acting like dim-wits? Absolutely. Animals doing silly things for no reason? Sure. Gross-out images just to grab some attention in a message-drenched media marketplace? You bet. Stolen concepts (like the Sony Bravia “Balls” commercial ripped off from a David Letterman stunt and the Fed Ex “crushed caveman” commercial cribbed from the “Bambi Meets Godzilla” movie from many years ago)? Yeah. “Real” commercials that are exposed as completely phony? All the time.

Okay, viewers can live with those problems, especially when using TiVo to avoid a great many of them. But from a marketing perspective, is there ever any thought as to how this foolish behavior relates to the product? Nope. Why is that?

Marketing by Morons
Well, let’s get some things straight about people in the advertising industry. Quite a few of them are earnest, hard-working, and bright individuals who just want to effectively influence people to buy products. Sure, they are also pleased to accept awards and large salaries for their efforts, but they actually do want to create good work. Unfortunately, they mostly toil for lazy, good-for-nothing, money-grubbing, egotistical nincompoops. The managerial ranks in this country are bereft of morality and blind to anything except their own gratification. Lunacy, prevarication and greed are not just reserved for bankers and brokers.

Ad agency writers and art directors often have to answer to a boss who knows less than they do about their own profession. Plus, a great many of these folks are stuck in a large corporate structure that rewards toadyism, backstabbing, and a cover-your-ass approach to everyday business.

In addition, all industries are being inundated by recessionary cutbacks, foreign price-cutting, and shrinking profit margins. To top it off, the marketing people at the client organizations are frequently adept at ruining any good marketing concepts that come their way. “We’ve never done it that way before.” “I don’t get it.” “My wife feels that the concept just doesn’t work.” And so on.

Oh, and here in the U.S., there’s one more alarming factor: a growing workforce that’s super-intelligent at using electronic gizmos but under-educated in terms of almost everything else.

So, while some great advertising ideas are developed, they get watered down, neutered, negated, emasculated, and subjected to death by committee. You see the result almost everywhere you look.

Great Big Piles of Money
If it seems that bad ads are proliferating, you’re right. Corporations are going nuts buying more and more ad placements (see “Advertising, R.I.P.” which started this column several years ago). I’ve been looking at some of the published budget figures for marketing and they are truly astounding. AT&T and Verizon each reportedly spend more than three billion per year on marketing. Right, more than three billion dollars each. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that is a little over eight million dollars a day just to try convincing you to use AT&T. And another eight mil each day for Verizon.

As soon as either one of those firms takes half of that money and puts it into improving their reception and customer service, a strange thing will happen: word-of-mouth from surprised and happy customers will help that firm grab an overwhelming majority of the business. (BTW, the same thing would work for Sprint, which is reportedly spending “only” one point nine billion per year.)

Also, look at these annual budgets: L’Oreal $1.6 billion. Anheuser-Busch $1.3 billion. Wal-Mart $1.1 billion. McDonald’s $1.1 billion. Not to mention the pharmaceutical companies, which are right up there with the big spenders but they do split up their spending on a per drug basis.

And then there’s Microsoft, which is reported to be spending just about one billion dollars on marketing each year. That’s right: they’re spending two point seven million dollars a day to reach you. My guess is that a lot of that money is being spent on incentives, co-op programs, promotions and the like. Because it sure isn’t being spent on persuasive advertising.

ExxonMobile
Before discussing their slickly produced spot, it might be beneficial to remember that this is a company so huge that it continued making profits even after paying more than three-and-one-half billion dollars in a futile attempt to make the Exxon Valdez oil spill fade from public consciousness. This is not just a mere conglomerate, it is an empire. The online realm of ExxonMobile has a charmingly misleading statement on the corporate page of their Web site: “We are the world’s largest publicly traded international oil and gas company, providing energy that helps underpin growing economies and improve living standards around the world.”

With all that in mind, a commercial would have to be spectacular to stop an intelligent viewer from frowning when their red logo pops up on the screen. And their advertising is far from spectacular. This particular spot is a brightly-lit conglomeration of live action and computer generated animation. It is also devoid of any humanistic touches, including the nervously grinning doofus who reads the scripted words of praise about “breakthrough technology…to access cleaner burning natural gas…to heat 50 million homes for almost a decade.”

Okay, first of all, showing us Erik Oswald, a “Senior Research Geoscientist,” is on the same level as hiring an unknown character actor and dressing him up like a doctor. And second, if what he was reading to us were true, don’t you think it would be making headlines? Especially now, when so much economic news about homes is negative.

This commercial, part of an odious series, is pure misinformation. As such, it should be studied in communications classes right alongside the work of Joseph Goebbels, head of the Reich Ministry for People’s Enlightenment and Propaganda.

Peter G. Peterson Foundation
As if mocking the corporate porn of the ExxonMobile spot, the next commercial pointed out the dangers of “$56 trillion in unfunded retirement and healthcare obligations” and stated that “America must chart a more responsible fiscal course.”

Naturally, it’s easy to be on the side of an organization dedicated to calling attention to “large and growing budget deficits, dismal national and personal savings rates, and a ballooning national debt that endangers the viability of Social Security, Medicare, and our economy itself,” as they say on their site, www.pgpf.org. In addition, the look of their commercial is magnificent, with deep-focus views of icebergs, clouds, ships, and choppy seas stretching to the horizon, all in that ultra-rich color cinematography that looks like steel which has been polished to the point of appearing translucent.

However, the whole thing doesn’t accomplish anything other than directing people to their site for more information. Perhaps it fails because of context. If you’re in the same room with such practiced liars as Goebbels or even Frank Luntz, his modern-day equivalent, your statements might fall a little flat even if you’re telling the truth.

Chevron
More flashing lights of overcrowded cities, plus disingenuousness galore, including a disarming statement that “this isn’t a liberal or conservative issue” and a plea that we use less energy, both of which are odd coming from a leader in one of the most rapacious industries on the planet. The clean look of the production is notable but strange under the circumstances. Because they think you are a complete moron, they direct you to visit this odd site: willyoujoinus.com. As if.

IBM
With quick bursts of images, both live action and animated, this spot is an ode to the beauty of mathematics. “Let’s build a smarter planet,” they say. Well, okay. Tell me more or show me where to go to get started. It can’t just be a matter of buying IBM products.

Toyota
At last, a spot that leads to something affirmative. The message of the spot is simple: less negativity, more positive action. If you want to join them, you can get a ton of interactive information at toyota.com/whynot.

Bank of America
Why is an insolvent bank advertising on network television, I ask myself and everyone involved in the bailout. That said, the spot is beautifully made, with glowing photography, smooth editing and excellent music.

T. Rowe Price
Oil rigs at sea in animation and live action. For an investment company. Okay, I guess. Does that mean TRP invests in oil rigs? Am I supposed to get a secure feeling from this?

Oil and Gas Industry
Yup, here’s an ad from a lobbying organization. How does it feel to have corporate whores presenting you with a dog-and-pony show? Perhaps that should be called a dog-and-pony-up-some-money show. They even have the gall to invite you to go online to read more of their lies at energytomorrow.org. Talk about lack of regulation: the org domains were supposed to be for legitimate nonprofit organizations, not shills for humongous corporate entities engaging in pillaging the earth.

American Chemistry Council
Farms in the country, construction in the city. And more city lights! Medical procedures followed by kids playing. The American flag and NASA. Lipstick. What? Yes, lipstick. It’s all of “What’s essential 2 American life.” When the cosmetics appear, there’s a super that reads “essential2american beauty.” If you go to the American Chemistry Council Web site, you see that they “make the products that help keep you safe and healthy and create a brighter future for you and your family.” Aww, doesn’t that just melt your heart? “We are nearly one million men and women dedicated to making sure you have what you need for today and tomorrow.” Things like sarin, hydrogen cyanide, cyanogen chloride, napalm, agent orange. . . .

Microsoft
This was the weirdest of them all. With quirky animation designed to resemble a USC student film circa 1974, we hear a badly recorded interview with Bob McKnight, head of Quiksilver, makers of clothing for surfing, skating, or snow riding. He is asked about the “economic tsunami” and his first answer is “Um,” which the animators gleefully spell out across the screen “Ummmmmmmm.” Despite the frivolous nature of the visuals, the interview topics turn serious. “Watch the management of your assets very carefully.” Well, duh. “Without technology, we would be nowhere, it helps you to still rip it up.” Well, WTF. Then the spot concludes by telling you to “ask for people_ready enterprise solutions.” Right, “people underscore ready.” This is bad_advertising.

[tags]bad advertising, television marketing, bad TV commercials[/tags]

Not to mention Beyonce’s lip-synch disaster, John Legend not bothering to find the melody of his number, Queen Latifah’s Auto-Tune nightmare, and a horrid setting that seemed to be constructed from remains of a going-out-of-business sale at the El Monte Lamps ‘n’ Lights Bargain Barn.

Just a side note on the biggest loser of the night: Twentieth Century Fox, whose board must be praying that the young audience for “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” will not visit YouTube to see the putrid “musical performances” by Jackman. Despite multiple shout-outs that “the musical is back,” most viewers had a somewhat different reaction: “the musical is crap.”

On to the hype. I mean the ads.

TOP FIVE

JC Penney
With seven commercials, the big retailer was in almost every spot cluster. I don’t know much about young women’s fashions other than they are sometimes difficult to unbutton, but the stuff looked good to me and the music video-style production was just fine. My guess is that these commercials resonated with their target audience in a powerful way.

American Express
The credit card company continued its “if it’s good enough for celebs, it’s good enough for the likes of you” campaign, this time using Dave Matthews, Gwyneth Paltrow, Brian Grazer and Tina Turner to flack for the firm. I hate to admit it, but this approach probably works really well. People are sheep, so herd ‘em along using famous faces.

Maytag
A monster truck runs over a bunch of Maytags and they keep right on working. Almost everything inside of me says this is wrong, except it is right on target for their positioning as the “keeps on working” appliances. So, okie-doke, it works. Co-op tie-in with Tide at the end was annoying (oh look, the ad’s over, oop, no it’s not, there’s an ad-within-an-ad).

Mastercard
Four spots, all different, but each with the “cost/priceless” campaign. One had a dog peeing, which seemed a bit off-putting for my living room, but the story of people helping the lost dog cross the country was pretty cool. And their final spot of the evening was a real gem, as it showed how different types of music can transform us every time we listen.

(Sorry, there weren’t enough good ones to make up a “top five.”)

THE ALSO-RANS

Hyundai
There were eight commercials from Hyundai. Eight! Sheesh, talk about overkill. All right, two of them were entertaining. Or I should say one of them, because it was the same spot shown in two versions. Both featured superb test track footage of their Genesis Coupe hauling ass, first to music by Yo-Yo Ma and later to music by Smashing Pumpkins. Cool presentation, and I liked the look of the car. The other six spots were silly. Yeah, the carmaker won an award. So what. And devoting five commercials to saying please buy one of our cars even though you might lose your job soon (which is what their Assurance and Assurance Plus programs are all about) is just depressing. Coming from a foreign auto company, it also makes me want to say f#@k you, Hyundai.

Sprint
You know those beautifully photographed spots where the overpaid muckity-muck from Sprint tells us what we already know about our cell phones? This was another one of them.

Diet Coke
Who the hell is Tom Colicchio and what does he have to do with Diet Coke? I could go on and on about the stupidity of using borrowed interest in commercials, but why give any more space to this bit of silliness. There were also a couple spots featuring Heidi Klum in a red mini-dress. Mrs. Seal looked sensational, which I guess is tie-in enough for a diet cola ad, but the ad itself was a mess.

McDonald’s
Reminder ads are a whole other breed. You don’t have to show the product, just the logo. If you’ve got addicts, oops, I mean regular customers, they’ll respond to the iconic image.

Carl’s Jr.
Yup, the two fast fooders were back-to-back in the same cluster. The tone is always crass with these guys, so there’s no confusion between the two peddlers of fat-and-sodium, but you’d think they would want at least one bad car commercial in between them.

Vons
Great-looking spot. Kind of like the old Target ads that showed oodles of product in a free-from-dirt environment. It’s an attractive approach, but it’s too bad their markets don’t look like the commercial.

Infinity
Hands in sand, cars on the road. Yup, makes perfect sense to me. Nice music, worthless commercial.

True North
Nuts. Well, they make nuts, but their campaign doesn’t show the product. Instead, they concentrate on mini-documentaries about people doing good things in the world. I admire their backing of worthy causes. But what about their snacks?

The Proposal
New Sandra Bullock movie. I love Sandra Bullock, and I’ll see it when it comes to HBO. Or Showtime. So, is advertising on the Oscar telecast really money well spent? Media buys are important, people.

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

Mercedes-Benz
Hey, nimrods, this is the second month of the year two thousand nine. There is no f#@king way you can be advertising a 2010 model. Idiots. As for the production, it was excellent. Lovely EU locations, a great look, strong editing, and nifty music – all for a useless product (another SUV for peabrained folks who are desperately seeking to purchase a sense of self-worth).

Wynn
“Look, some jerk is sitting on a building and then the fake helicopter pulls back to show that it’s a really big building.” Yeah, that’s classic advertising, especially since it was produced on the level of a local used car spot.

Bertolli
A silly and annoying spot with an oaf chef badly singing opera. See, it’s an Italian food product. Italian. Opera. Get it? Mental note to self: if the marketing is this lazy, they probably don’t make good food.

GTF
Excellent product I.D. in this spot: the GTF logo was everywhere! Unfortunately, the commercial was for the Blackberry Curve. GTF, WTF?

The Soloist
Confusing movie trailer. As I understand it, the plot concerns a crusading writer, an insane cellist, street performers, and instrument maintenance. Yup, it’s a must-see evening of cinematic wonder.

Audi
They had a couple spots for an unnecessary SUV. Both mentioned “identity theft” for no discernable reason. One seemed to be about a parking garage stalker, while the other may have been about a mentally challenged kid getting picked up after school. Note to production companies: excellent cinematography doesn’t make up for poor scripts.

Coke
The real thing had three commercials, one a gargantuan production that showed someone imagining Coke everywhere he looked, the second dealing with some sort of scholarship, and the third a well-edited but disgusting spot that seemed to say Coke was recycled from garbage. Don’t large companies hire legitimate communications firms to handle their advertising? Apparently not.

SHORTS

Here’s the conglomeration review of the other spots: a “Dancing with the Stars” promo was really well done, especially considering it’s for a show that is entirely disposable; a “Jimmy Kimmel Live” promo with Jimmy and Tom Cruise was actually pretty funny and accurately reflected the off-the-wall humor of the show; a Tide spot had someone doing a parody of Paul Lynde; a Zyrtec commercial showed people enjoying their lives in almost every type of allergy situation imaginable and was therefore pretty darn effective; an Orencia pharma spot had qualifiers that were longer than the pitch message; a Microsoft Windows commercial demonstrated that their product is designed for four-year-olds; a T-Mobile spot proved their product is ideal for lost idiots and losers; and a Hoover vacuum commercial featured a clean freak who was in paradise when discovering there’s a new line of products called the Hoover Platinum Collection.

WRAP-UP

With just a couple of exceptions, creativity is still sinking to new lows in the communication industry, and what passes for “entertainment” in advertising is pretty disillusioning. This business used to be exciting until the hacks and bean-counters took over.

[tags]advertising, marketing, commercials, Oscars[/tags]

Well, the game started. Run, pass, block, kick, etc. etc. etc. Then it was on to the main attraction, the eleven bazillion commercials. Well, supposedly only 67 ads, but it sure felt like more.

Standing out for me were the car spots, like the one with the crashes, and all the ads with people saying really incredibly stupid things. Wow, that made for an absolutely hilarious good time and certainly did a lot to raise the public’s attitude about our profession.

Okay, on to the ads.

Hyundai
There were three commercials for Hyundai, one of which was exciting visually (brightly colored vehicles going impossibly fast) and aurally (Smashing Pumpkins on the soundtrack). The commercial invited viewers to edityourown.com although that site takes so long to load that I’m certain it drives people away. Another was a well-produced montage of rival auto makers shouting “Hyundai?!” as they read about some award the Korean manufacturer had received. The ad was well-produced but insipid. Their last one was meant to be comforting and humanistic, I guess, but instead was just a downer as it condescendingly says “buy a Hyundai and if you lose your income we’ll let you bring it back” or words to that effect. Tell you what, why don’t I just keep my current car and then none of us will have a problem. Besides, since everyone was paying $100,000 a second to run their spots, I don’t have a lot of faith in their fiscal judgment.

Audi
Slam-bang excitement as Jason Statham is on the run through several decades and many other makes of cars until the Audi A6 sedan comes through for him. Big production, superb direction, crisp editing and dynamite audio. Plus, it made me want to go test drive the car. Hey, a commercial that actually achieved a change in the audience. The work of Venables Bell & Partners in San Francisco, this one is worth repeated plays.

Doritos
PepsiCo’s Frito-Lay division launched two commercials, one very funny, the other very, um, what’s the word I’m searching for here. . . oh, I know: stupid. The good one had the crunch of the product altering people, places and things until the predictable ending where the product user/abuser got his comeuppance.

Some Beer
Conan O’Brien starred as himself as he considered doing a commercial that his agent claims will only be seen in Sweden. We see the horrible spot, as do his fans, and O’Brien is openly ridiculed. The commercial was supposedly about beer, but I don’t see how.

Bridgestone
It’s difficult to believe that the Richards Group was responsible for this drivel involving Mr. Potato Head in one spot and some astronauts in another. Hey, I like tires and tread and cornering and traction. If you tell me stuff about that, I’ll pay attention. I positively do not purchase tires because of Mr. Potato Head or space travel. These are truly bad commercials. Although the outer space one did have “Jump Around” by House of Pain as the music track. Retro-Cool sounds, man.

Monster.com and their competitor
The Monster.com ad made me laugh out loud and I hadn’t even gotten to the tequila yet. With an operatic aria on the soundtrack, the camera lovingly moves through a nice office with a moose head on the wall. Then it keeps on going to show the cubicle next door where the rest of the moose has its business end right in the face of the chair moistener assigned to that desk. Yup, time to post your resume on Monster, dude. Later in the program, competitor Careerbuilder.com vomited up an ad that was mindless in the extreme, with the same lines repeating ad nauseam. Hard to fathom how the once-great Wieden & Kennedy could be responsible for this reprehensible piece of dreck. Unless, of course, Careerbuilder is for people whose sole attribute is being able to say “Would you like fries with that?”

Cars.com
Here’s a mini-epic of a guy who oozes confidence and success but who quakes at the thought of negotiating to buy a car. The facts provided by Cars.com are the cure for this problem. Nice spot, nicely done. DDB Chicago done good with this one.

Toyota
Although the production is terrific, unfortunately the ad is for another unnecessary moronmobile, the Venza. And this is from an auto company that’s supposed to know what it’s doing. I guess the idea is that since they’re helping the planet with the Prius they can also go after the troglodyte crowd that has to pad their own egos with an SUV.

Castrol Motor Oil
Monkeys and motor oil? Not a good mix. Although it was nice that the soundtrack features the title cut from Iron Butterfly’s 1968 “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” album.

Coca-Cola
“Mean Troy” puts Troy Polamalu into the part made famous by Pittsburgh Steelers legend “Mean” Joe Greene as he limps into the tunnel on his way to the locker room. But this is for Coke Zero, which, um, is different, and so, uh, different stuff happens, some of which makes you laugh, but I still don’t know anything about Coke Zero. The company also had a long animated spot in which insects steal a Coke from a nice guy and do icky stuff with it. Not sure how this helps make me interested in their product. There was also a Coke ad where people shape-shifted into and out of their online avatars. Coke helped two of them meet each other. Well, I know that my avatar is always thirsty and likes meeting pretty girl avatars, but I’m suspicious that the owners of those avatars are less like Scarlet Johansson and more like Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons.

Beer again
There were more stupid spots for some beer company that shall remain nameless. The commercials seemed to be telling us that horses make their beer, or horses like their beer, or horses sweat into their beer. Or something. A total waste of money IMHO but then I drink Red Stripe or Guinness (thank heavens I can admit that now that they’ve switched to really cool commercials with terrific pulsating electronic music).

Denny’s
Making fun of the kiddie-style breakfasts at their competitors, Denny’s is still ripping off The Sopranos. But they got across the point that they have a serious breakfast.

3D Extravaganza
This was a joke, right? Apparently, 3D stands for dim, dumb and dubious. First, it was nearly impossible to find the damn glasses. After going to a Von’s, two Ralph’s, a Fry’s and a Target, I finally located a floor manager who said they had them at Customer Relations (you know, the Return Counter). It took her 128 seconds to detach two pair of glasses for me. The press materials claimed that 125 million pairs of glasses were being distributed, so at 64 seconds per pair, that’s eight billion wasted seconds for the USA work force. No wonder we’re in an employment crisis. The 3D ads for “Monsters vs. Aliens,” SoBe Water, and an episode of “Chuck” were an embarrassment. The picture was dark, the screen dynamics were on the level of bad storyboards, and there’s more 3D excitement in every panel of “Doonesbury,” which is a 2D comic with witty dialogue but little action. Ya gotta love the publicity department for Pepsi’s SoBe, however, as they had this to say about their silly spot with an angry version of the Geiko gecko: Their ad is a “modern interpretation of the famed ballet Swan Lake, and the rhythmic effects when the players and creatures are infused with the refreshing and reinvigorating impact of SoBe Life Water.” What a load of BeEs.

GoDaddy
Both of their spots pandered to juvenile male sexual fantasies, so naturally I loved them. Brilliant work, guys. Each one directed viewers to godaddy.com for “more” or the “uncut” versions. All righty, I visited godaddy.com and sure enough, you could view the commercials in their TV versions or the “Hot” Internet versions. But the company is making a fundamental error here. There isn’t anything even remotely hot about the Internet versions. There’s nothing in them that couldn’t have aired on broadcast TV. They promised titillation and instead delivered an episode of Hannah Montana. But, you know, without the hot parts.

G
Oh yes, I just love it when a company spends a lot of money to promote my name. Turns out this is actually for Gatorade but there’s no way you would know that from the ad.

Bud Light
Guy in shirtsleeves carries a six-pack of Bud Light Lime through a raging winter location and it turns into summer. Okay, I’ll go along with that. The demographic that buys American beer would probably get this and like the idea.

This. That. The Other.
Man, there were a lot of ads. Some were okay. Chevron did their animated talking car thing with the nice Hector Elizondo voiceover at the end. AT&T showed their spot with the dad on a business trip sending home photos of his kid’s monkey doll. H&R Block showed us Death not getting good tax advice. Funny concept.

Stupidity
There was no end of folly in this year’s crop of ads. E-Trade had their idiotic talking baby. General Electric had a modern animatronic scarecrow with Ray Bolger singing “If I Only Had a Brain” to convince consumers that, um, well, that they like “The Wizard of Oz” I guess. Who knows with that company’s ridiculous advertising. Pepsi had a sophomoric parody of an action adventure show. Or was it Coke? No one knows or cares. Teleflora had something about flowers being delivered in a box instead of by a person. WTF? Who sends flowers in a box? Cheetos had an ad with an animated lion and some annoying people being attacked by birds. Again, WTF? Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes showed growing plants, as if that would convince anyone to buy sugar-coated cereal. Heineken keeps sticking with their bad Franz Kafka ads utilizing formerly good actor John Turturro. Infinity hates their own autos so much they’re back to showing other things for most of the spot, in this case, someone swimming. Cash4Gold was doing some sort of parody of a bad rap video.

And on it went. I’ve left out a bunch of them, but only because I just don’t care any longer. Anti-creativity, anti-innovation, and anti-entertainment were often the order of the day.

[tags]advertising, marketing, commercials, Super Bowl, 3D[/tags]

Just to keep that dollar figure in perspective, it is somewhere between $4,000,000,000 and $6,000,000,000. But I don’t believe that counts the local ads we’re all enduring here at home. Taken altogether, it is a stunning waste of time, energy, talent, and economics.

Scott G on iPod with Rings - Phil Hatten Design

Once past the silliness of the ads for John McCain, we’re left to blur our eyes at hype for Panasonic, Samsung and General Electric; Nike, Adidas, and Kodak; Volkswagen, Visa, and UPS; Johnson & Johnson, Staples, and Lenovo (China’s largest PC manufacturer, as far as I know). It’s mind-numbing, all this scratching for awareness, buzz, mindshare, and brand identity.

There is one clear winner in the Bei-ca-ching advertising and branding sweepstakes…

Apple.

Yes, I know they don’t appear to be on any of the lists of official partners, sponsors or suppliers. Yes, I know they don’t seem to be purchasing any ads. But what is the one thing viewers keep seeing on such athletes as super swimmer Michael Phelps? The distinctive white ear buds of Apple’s iPod.

This may be the finest example of product placement in world history. And it may have cost Apple absolutely nothing.

How do we know those ear buds are attached to an Apple product, I hear someone ask. Couldn’t they actually hook up to a Zune?

Well, no.

First of all, Michael Phelps is a winner.

Second, and most important, it doesn’t matter if they’re hooked up to an Apple product, a Zune, or nothing at all (sorry to repeat myself). The point is that Apple owns the white cord and buds so when you see them, you think “Apple.” I do believe they call that part of the branding thing.

It takes big brains but it doesn’t necessarily take a big budget.

Photo of John Scott G by Snook/Immedia Wire Service.

[tags]Beijing, Olympics, Michael Phelps, Apple, iPod, Zune, marketing, branding, Scott G, The G-Man[/tags]

Call me old fashioned, but I’m having trouble dealing with the new and improved Super Bowl. The idea of an exciting game instead of the snore-fests of yore takes some getting used to. And the concept of having a team of liars soundly thumped by a two-touchdown underdog is the kind of thing you expect in a Hollywood movie, not in today’s world of greed-evil sporting events.

However, I’ll try to cope. After all, it was terrifically satisfying to see those cheating weasels get their comeuppance in the last minute of the contest. And what a thrill to watch the NYG defensive unit smash into a QB whose primary attributes are arrogance, preening, and smirking. As an added plus, we got to view the public humiliation of the architect of his team’s chicanery, the most overrated coach in all of sports, a guy who will be forever known as a bloated douche bag, and a man who turns the phrase “work ethic” into an oxymoron.

And yet I yearn for the days of old, when you could rely on the game to be just a prolonged scrimmage in between the main objective of the day: outrageous and overpriced advertisements. When the game is actually interesting, the ads get short shrift.

Besides, I miss Janet Jackson’s breast and Prince’s thrusting guitar moves. Those were eye-popping events. Each delivered the kind of adrenaline jolt that halftime shows often need. In today’s super sanitized Super Bowl, everything is so watered down and censored and inspected and ratified and expurgated and who-knows-what-all that the only eyebrow raising moment was when the arrow part of Tom Petty’s logo penetrated the heart part. Oooh, sexual innuendo in the rock-and-roll section of the broadcast, what a concept.

The Ads
What? Oh, yes, the advertising. The primary purpose of the event. Right, right. Well, the commercials and promos were less than stellar but not as offensive as last year. Trouble is, very few of them managed to do what advertising is supposed to do: advertise.

Beer
Yes, there were beer ads. And more beer ads. And still more beer ads. One of them spoofed “Rocky.” One was a cross promotion for the next forgettable Will Ferrell film. There were others. They were about beer. What’s the big deal?

Geico
This commercial was a funny blend of live action hottie (Naomi Campbell) and CGI lizards dancing to the 25th Anniversary Edition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Delightful. One teensy tiny little problem: the ad wasn’t for Geico. It was for. . . well, that’s my point.

Human Growth Hormone
Silly spot about how jockeys can become as large as Shaquille O’Neal. Presumably, if you slip steroids to your horse, you can still win races. Or something. This may or may not have been for whoever bought the Geico ad (see above).

Justin Timberlake
Just teasing us now. No Janet Jackson. No wardrobe malfunction. Just Timberlake’s stunt double getting tossed, tumbled, jerked around, and pummeled. Might have been for a teen product as there was a young girl in it at the end.

Fox
Much as I loathe everything about the Fox organization, I have to admit to enjoying their Sarah Connor Terminator robot beating up on that stupid bouncing NFL robot.

Audi
New car or just a new body style? Whatever, it looked great. Not that we saw much of it because most of the spot was a lovely parody of the horse’s-head-in-a-bed scene from “The Godfather.” Having Alex Rocco scream at the sight of engine grime on his hands was funny. They are fortunate that the auto looks spectacular because otherwise it would have been easy to associate the grease-and-oil with the R8.

ETrade
Couple of spots, both silly, and one gross. The point of their baby-speaks-with-an-adult-voice is, um, well, that immature people use ETrade? That ETrade is so easy even a caveman could use it? That ETrade has a moron in charge of their marketing?

CareerBuilder
Stupid is as stupid does. A lot of people should be fired over this fiasco. Say, aren’t these the cretins who got rid of the agency that created breakthrough work for them last year? What a waste of time, energy and money.

Gatorade for Dogs
A dog slobbers up the stuff. Ummm, must be delicious! Wonder if they make it for humans?

Bridgestone
Oddly enough, these commercials never once mentioned their exploitive business practices around the globe. Instead, they concentrated on drivers almost running over animals. Oh, also Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons.

Coca-Cola
Two spots, both pretty nifty. One featured oversized balloons from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, with the inflatables battling to see who could grab the Coke bottle balloon. It was a beautiful balloon ballet. The other was also charming, as two political rivals (acerbic Democratic advisor James Carvelle and neo-fascist Bill Frist) bond over a coke.

FedEx
Big production offering very little results. The point of the spot is that FedEx delivers packages better than gigantic pigeons. Yes, kiddies, there are adults who get paid to come up with idiocy like that.

GoDaddy.com
A teaser to get you to go to their site and watch the censored ad. Worked like a charm and produced an astonishing number of hits, even during the game.

SalesGenie
WTF?

Planters
Funny skit with an unattractive girl wowing everyone because she smells like Planters nuts. Very entertaining. Mental note to self: avoid buying Planters until the imagery of this spot fades from memory. But very humorous ad, guys.

Taco Bell
Fiesta platters. Umm, looks good. Going out for some fast food now.

It seems like science fiction or the kind of thing mental patients scream about: “I hear messages in my head!” But it will be happening to you very soon.

The technology to beam audio communication directly into your cranium is already available from two companies. American Technology Corporation (“Shaping the future of sound”), and Holosonic Research Lab (“Put sound where you want it”), have two different systems but both quietly blast messages into your mind.

San Diego-based American Technology Corporation (ATC) offers the HyperSonic system, while Massachusetts’ Holosonic Research Lab (HRL) features Audio Spotlight, and both are in operation across a wide range of applications, including museum exhibits, trade show displays, kiosks, waiting rooms and billboards.

Shhh: We’re Broadcasting
Let’s use a museum as an example of how they work. You step up to view an artwork and your presence activates the audio broadcast. But the sonics are so well-directed that they can only be audible where you’re standing. Other people in the room wouldn’t hear what you’re hearing. In fact, they could be listening to other aural material that you wouldn’t experience unless you entered the proper geographic area.

ATC has a section of their Web site devoted to military applications of their products, including the LRAD (Long Range Acoustic Device) which may be used to generate an “attention-getting and highly irritating deterrent tone for behavior modification.”

In a way, quite a bit of marketing and communications can be viewed as attempts at behavior modification, and now the industry has some new tools.

Flashback
I had been following ATC and HRL since 2001, and I put ATC and their Hypersonic Sound System in my song, “Paranormal Radio” (from the 2003 album ELECTRO BOP):

“Paranormal Radio is what we call a direct-to-brainpan transmission. That means our sounds emanate from American Technology Corporation’s HyperSonic Sound System and go straight into your head.” Some DJs thought I was ranting about something I read in a Philip K. Dick novel instead of the stark reality of the day.

Then, in the article that launched this column a couple of years ago, you will find the following paragraph:

“American Technology Corporation’s HyperSonic Sound system and Holosonics’ Audio Spotlight are perfecting the ability to direct audio messages to individuals passing nearby. So, for example, based on the RFID chip in your purchases, each person in a checkout line would hear a different ad.”

A couple weeks later, in a column about “Advertainment,” I wrote:

“We’re not even discussing the opportunities for advertainment once we move beyond traditional broadcast methodology; when microchips are embedded under your skin, YOU will be the receiver for TV, radio, satellite, telephone, and global positioning system signals.”

Dreadful Combo
It’s the combination of three elements that alarms me and should alarm every professional in the communications business.

1. The proliferation of ad messages into every single thing (and now, it seems, into every single person)

2. The use of RFID-like technology to track and recognize consumers and their purchasing patterns

3. The willingness of corporations to take control of what up until now was your own private space: the inside of your head.

Scenarios
The use of in-skull advertising may open up a whole batch of legal and moral issues. Consider:

* Parents beaming messages at their children (“Clean up your room,” “Piercings and tattoos are bad,” “Call your mother’s new boyfriend ‘Uncle,’” and the like).

* Prisons “motivating” inmates with sound that rewards them (Slipknot, Jay-Z) or punishes them (Josh Groban, Gwen Stefani).

* Clerics instructing the next generation (“Yes, Timmy, God wants you to do this.”)

* Auto dealerships pushing undercoating and extended warranties by recording customer conversations and playing back “buy now” messages in their own voices.

And you thought that episode of The Simpsons with Bart in a boy band sponsored by the U.S. Navy was a spoof on subliminal advertising. “Yvan eht nioj” indeed. As you can see, your own mind isn’t safe anymore. What comes next? Probably your soul.

[tags]ATC, American Technology Corporation, HyperSonic, HRL, Holosonic Research Lab, Audio Spotlight, advertising, mind control, RFID, advertainment, Simpsons, Slipknot, Jay-Z, Josh Groban, Gwen Stefani, Navy[/tags]

A toddler grabs a table lamp’s electrical cord, gives it a tug and the lamp crashes down on the little one’s head, opening a gash. Broken glass and shards of porcelain crunch underfoot as worried parents rush to give aid and comfort to their child. The cut is deeper than they thought and the bleeding won’t stop.

“Call 911!”

Just before the receiver is lifted, the phone rings. Snatching up the handset, the distraught parent says “This is an emergency!” presses down on the hook and releases it to make the vital call.

But the connection with the incoming call has not been broken. Why? Because it is a recording. An automated sales call for carpet cleaning, auto warranties, reverse mortgages, financial investments, credit cards, construction services, real estate, etc. No amount of clicking gets rid of the intrusion and the emergency call cannot be made from that telephone number.

Ah, you say, those poor people should have entered their number on the Do Not Call registry. Ah, but they did. Advertisers have found a loophole.

Court Action
The scenario above is a speculation on my part, but something similar has occurred and will happen again soon. I’m betting that the resulting jury trial will hold responsible the caller, the marketing agency and the phone carrier. If the insidious loophole keeps the caller and agency from being fined or put out of business, then juries are going to go after the phone companies.

Loophole
The deceit begins with not identifying the advertiser in the recording and blocking the caller ID. Suckers, um, sorry, consumers are asked to leave their name and number for a call back from the offending firm. In order to go after the calling criminals, the state attorneys general and the Federal Trade Commission need the name of the caller, the name of the slimeball company, or at least the number used to make the intruding call.

That means consumers need to give out some personal information and, in effect, conduct their own sting operation to obtain the evidence to get these scumbags arrested.

Either that or it’s time for a class-action lawsuit against the phone companies who are allowing these practices to continue. Ladies and gentlemen, start your attorneys.

[tags]direct marketing, telemarketing, phone companies, automated calls, recorded sales calls[/tags]